i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I just put wine in my tea
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
