The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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