did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
