I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
