I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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