ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
