sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
