You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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