You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
