the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
