apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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