My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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