I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
