why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
