my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
