just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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