who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
