Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
