Plan B is the new Plan A
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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