A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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