the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
