she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
