Need sex. Gaining weight.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
porn star boner night. come get it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
