The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
