Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
if only i could text you this smell
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
