I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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