thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
