i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
