He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
