I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
