Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
