You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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