I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
