After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
So apparently I’m into choking now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
