If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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