i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
