Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
