Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
