I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
