you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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