What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
