Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
