it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
