I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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