I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
