and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
