her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
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