So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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