ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
