I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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